I stare at every building, window, square I pretend I’m a woman wandering with her love and her friends, not a daughter who is failing the people she loves most. We explore Stockholm with another couple. I can’t carry this with me to another country, all of this history. Because once they started loving each other, they never stopped. Surely she carried this on some date with my dad. I find a beaded purse of my mother’s from the 50’s and I pack it. No part of my life is untouched by this reality. While my mother is heart-broken ten miles away and my father stares down unimaginable terrors. I lay some dresses out on the bed and look at them. I’m acting out a version of the sentence everyone says and nobody means: If you need anything, let me know. More and more I find excuses to avoid seeing him. I stay available because truth is, I’m pulling away. As if my being there at a moment’s notice is really important. I took my tent and bedroll out of the back of my Jeep. His eyes said, I know I’m losing my mind. When I got there he said, I didn’t know where I was. Now I’m standing here going, White shirt or blue?Ī year ago my father disappeared for an entire day and turned up that night in a pizza shop. I always had my tent in the back of my Jeep, and a bedroll. When I was younger, I just slipped out of my world and dumped myself in another.
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